Having been single for longer than I’d like to admit, I’ve somehow developed an aversion to dating, not for any particular reason, but in general. The idea of meeting a stranger on the internet, and going out with them just to make small talk and inconsequential conversations about mundane nothingness just doesn’t sound all that appealing to me anymore. Gone are the days when I believed I could find a partner from online dating. The bright eyed, bushy tailed, eager beaver that I was, has long since been replaced with a cynical, dull faced, snarky critic that doesn’t believe in the idea of love. But alas we trudge into the dating world regardless because unfortunately, there is still a romantic that lives in me.

I begrudgingly got back onto the dating apps and matched with this guy who was considered my “most compatible”. I don’t know how they came to that conclusion, but I will say that on more than one occasion, they were not wrong. For the rest of this piece, I will be calling this guy Big 4.

Mr. Big 4 seemed way too eager to meet me, and though I was put off initially, I leaned into his energy and we had some fun chatting which led to arranging a date. We had agreed on going to a café to grab brunch, and then go bouldering after. Whoever lost in bouldering would be buying ice cream at the end of the date.

He was so keen on learning about me while we were at the café. He asked a bunch of questions and seemed interested in me. We had our little brunch sets and we made our way to the bouldering gym where he quickly picked up some techniques and was on par with my climbing ability even though it was his first time climbing.

We were joking, laughing, and overall having a good time. As the date wore on, I could feel his energy shift. I don’t know what it was, but it seemed like he became less and less interested in me. I guess I wasn’t as charming as he made me out to be in his head. Nonetheless, I brushed away these intrusive thoughts and tried to make the best of a fleeting situation.

The date ended with a hug that felt friendly and he promised to text me. I waited and waited. The sense of impending doom loomed on my shoulders. The worst part of all this was that he wasn’t even the usual type of guy I dated. I gave him a shot anyway because my usual type wasn’t doing me any favours.

When I didn’t get a text immediately, I could see the writing on the wall. I’ve been in this situation far too many times and it felt like another check on the list of disappointments. Eventually he did text back, and apologized for the date. He was still in love with someone else and wasn’t in the headspace to date. While I completely understand and I can’t fault him for any of it, I couldn’t help but feel like a failure.

While those thoughts may be harsh, I know that they’re not limited to myself. I bet a lot of other singletons are feeling the same loss of self-worth. In the end, we must remind ourselves that every single person has had a 99.9% failure rate when it comes to dating. Only those who stay together till death have succeeded.

Moral of the story? While rejection may hurt, you just have to put your head up high and keep going. It’s going to suck every step of the way, but the world doesn’t stop just because you’re sad. So, back onto the apps I go, and hopefully my better half is out there looking for me too.