I know what you are thinking. There is no way I can housetrain my husband, but yes, yes you can. Follow me through these 8 (disastrous) steps to housetraining your husband. Some steps require children so if you don’t have any borrow them from your neighbor.
Step 1 : The Lingerie Game
Hide a piece of lingerie deep and a pile of laundry. It doesn’t matter which one of the 7 piles it goes into as long as it is hidden. And inform him that if he finds and cleans it, you will wear it. Make sure to leave out the fact that he won’t be home when you wear it. You are too tired from the kids for that. And really peanut butter in your hair and lingerie don’t mix.
Step 2 : Send in the Recruits
This step is my personal FAVORITE and I use it all the time. I ask my children (ages 3 and 4) to take out the trash. Obviously they are too little and since the trash is heavy they immediately run and ask their strong daddy to help them. I try to conceal my smile as he stomps past me to take out the trash. It’s like he knows I planned this.
Step 3 : No Shame
This one only works if you have no shame and are passive aggressive. Me? I am the Queen of Passive Aggresiva (get the reference). If his friends come over politely ask them to take out the trash on their way out. This will anger the bear, proceed with caution.
Step 4 : Fuck it
Leave it. Let it grow. Make science experiments in the sink. Continually ask “what’s that smell?”. Sit back and drink your wine it will help with the angry drunk cleaning you are about to do.
Step 5 : Suggestive Placement
Oh no how did the vacuum get in your computer chair? Oh my is the lawn mower in the middle of the driveway again? Silly me how could I have a pile of laundry on your desk? Mommy brain I suppose. It does mysterious things.
Step 6 : Ask Him for Help
Oh sorry had a little tickle in my throat.
Step 7 : Hire a Grumpy Maid Named Gertrude
Yes grumpy! She doesn’t take shit from any man. Husband’s feet are in the way when she vacuums, she smacks them down. Husband forgets to pick up those important papers that fell on the floor? Looks like trash to Gertrude. Watch smugly while your husband tries to argue with Gertrude while she pretends to not hear him.
Step 8 : Frozen
DO YOU WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE NOW? COME ON LET’S GO AND CLEAN! YOU NEVER HELP ME ANYMORE GET OFF THE COMPUTER IT’S TIME TO CLEAN AWAY. WE USE TO CLEAN TOGETHER BUT NOW WE DON’T. I WISH YOU WOULD HELP ME NOW!!!!! DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? GO AWAY WIFE! OK BYE. 😭😭😭