8 Steps to Housetraining Your Husband

I know what you are thinking. There is no way I can housetrain my husband, but yes, yes you can. Follow me through these 8 (disastrous) steps to housetraining your husband. Some steps require children so if you don’t have any borrow them from your neighbor.

Step 1 : The Lingerie Game

Hide a piece of lingerie deep and a pile of laundry. It doesn’t matter which one of the 7 piles it goes into as long as it is hidden.  And inform him that if he finds and cleans it, you will wear it. Make sure to leave out the fact that he won’t be home when you wear it. You are too tired from the kids for that. And really peanut butter in your hair and lingerie don’t mix.
Step 2 : Send in the Recruits

This step is my personal FAVORITE and I use it all the time. I ask my children (ages 3 and 4) to take out the trash. Obviously they are too little and since the trash is heavy they immediately run and ask their strong daddy to help them. I try to conceal my smile as he stomps past me to take out the trash. It’s like he knows I planned this.
Step 3 : No Shame

This one only works if you have no shame and are passive aggressive. Me? I am the Queen of Passive Aggresiva (get the reference). If his friends come over politely ask them to take out the trash on their way out. This will anger the bear, proceed with caution.
Step 4 : Fuck it

Leave it. Let it grow. Make science experiments in the sink. Continually ask “what’s that smell?”. Sit back and drink your wine it will help with the angry drunk cleaning you are about to do.
Step 5 : Suggestive Placement 

Oh no how did the vacuum get in your computer chair? Oh my is the lawn mower in the middle of the driveway again? Silly me how could I have a pile of laundry on your desk? Mommy brain I suppose. It does mysterious things.
Step 6 : Ask Him for Help

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂

Oh sorry had a little tickle in my throat.
Step 7 : Hire a Grumpy Maid Named Gertrude

Yes grumpy! She doesn’t take shit from any man. Husband’s feet are in the way when she vacuums, she smacks them down. Husband forgets to pick up those important papers that fell on the floor? Looks like trash to Gertrude. Watch smugly while your husband tries to argue with Gertrude while she pretends to not hear him.
Step 8 : Frozen

DO YOU WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE NOW? COME ON LET’S GO AND CLEAN! YOU NEVER HELP ME ANYMORE GET OFF THE COMPUTER IT’S TIME TO CLEAN AWAY. WE USE TO CLEAN TOGETHER BUT NOW WE DON’T. I WISH YOU WOULD HELP ME NOW!!!!! DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN? GO AWAY WIFE! OK BYE. 😭😭😭

Rainy Day Ideas for the Children

As Fall sets in so do the rainy days. Today in my part of the country it is in the 50s and rainy. Leaving the children the only option of cleaning in my once clean house.

Unfortunately for us my youngest is sick with a cold and not feeling her typical attitude filled self. So mommy and Olivia spent our afternoon watching Paw Patrol on the couch and napping. All while mommy watched helplessly as daddy and Alycia played all over the house leaving destruction in their wake. 

This did get me thinking though. What kind of activities can I set up for my children on these rainy days? Comment some suggestions below and check out my Pinterest Board for Rainy Day ideas.

My Pinterest Rainy Day Ideas

Thunder and Pooping

As a mom today has just been one of THOSE days.  You know what I’m talking about. Where nothing really goes outrageously wrong but shit does hit the floor. Literal shit.

Started out like any other day. Got home from work around 4am and slept as late as the little hell hounds would let me (10am). I was the walking dead this morning. No coffee left in the house and momma was on a tear. How is a woman to survive without the nectar of the gods? My one true love? *sigh* but alas I struggled on.

My youngest is right in the middle of potty training so we have had a lot a nakey time today. I even went to the store for M&Ms for her (and me) as a reward for using the potty. 50% today.

Has anyone ever noticed how children’s feara just depend on what they want at that moment. We have been terrified then excited about the storms we have had all day today at least 6 times. Happy rain dancing straight to screams of terror. This meant no nap for momma today as we all know I need it much more than the rugrats.

Finally we have wound down for the night. The littles sent to bed and momma sitting down with a glass of wine to watch daddy play PUB-G. Then as if she could sense my relaxation my youngest comes running out of her room to give me another hug and kiss goodnight. I happily obliged and sent her back to her room…. or so I thought. Oh goodness what is that smell?!?!?!? I turn around to see 2 year old in all her naked glory shitting on the floor. “Mommy I’m pooping!” “Olivia what are you doing you shouldbt have taken your diapey off!” WORD OF ADVICE MOTHERS: NEVER EVER CHASE A POOPING CHILD. Me standing up startled my poor child and she ran leaving a shit trail behind her.

There you have it everyone! Shit hitting the floor is much worse than shit hitting the fan!